Saying Goodbye

I am writing this so some of you may be reminded of the sweet goodness of the Lord. I am writing this so some, including myself, may be comforted. I am writing this to say goodbye to one of the most truly amazing women I have ever, and probably will ever, known. 

Nannie,
Today you went to be with our sweet Jesus. I don't know if this is the case, but I picture you running into His arms and then immediately holding Jonas, the precious grandson you never got to hold on this earth. Today you are no longer afraid of falling. You are no longer in constant pain, like you have been for at least 21 years. Today you are with our Lord, and I am so happy for you.

But today you also left a hole in my heart. I know I told you this a few weeks ago, but I want you to know you gave me some of the most precious gifts I could have fathomed. You gave me an imagination. As a little girl, I don't think it would have been possible to invent more imaginary friends. And you kept up with all of them! Orson, Peevee, Dottie, Lottie, and Cottie (the triplets, of course), and the infamous Sinny, to name a few. You communicated with me for hours when the only sounds I would make were barking. No one else could quite understand how intricate playing the role of Spot truly was. As I grew a little older, you watched politely (and clapped at the appropriate times!) when I would perform full one-woman shows of Oklahoma, Hello, Dolly, and Music Man. And I don't know if I could possibly count how many times you were the officiant at my various weddings, with the couch's arm cover as my veil and you holding the Reader's Digest (because of course it wasn't appropriate to use the Bible for a fake wedding). Nannie, how I wish you could be present at my real wedding one day. I bet I'll even get to wear a real veil!

You let me read to you for hours on end, cultivating a love of reading in me I still carry to this day. You let me talk your ear off about whatever was happening in my life, even though you knew none of the references I was making. You made jokes with me about Culp's hearing ("I think your butler's a little hard of hearing!"), when, in reality the last few years, it was you who needed the hearing aids. You always wanted to know what was happening in school, and never once forgot to tell me you were proud of me.

Nannie, you loved everyone around you with a deep, unquestioning love. You gave of yourself when there was seemingly nothing left to give. You and Culp taught me so much about marriage and living a life together devoted to our God.

In the past month or so, God has used the end of your life to speak tenderly over me, and I can't imagine a better person He could have used to do that. Some of the last intelligible words I heard you speak were, "Karissa. I love you." Nannie, I love you, too. And always will. The Lord has given me such peace in your passing. This morning I woke up and knew this was the day. I've been praying for it for a month, because I didn't want you to be in pain anymore. Last night, however, God sent me a dream about you. It was so vivid. You were sitting on a bed in a room similar to the office at your house. I came to you and we were talking like we would on any given day at your house. You were much more active, much more you than you have been recently. The conversation ended when you hugged me and told me how much you loved me. You were crying, which made me start to cry as well. You told me this was goodbye, and I said goodbye with my whole being. When I awoke, I prayed all morning the Lord would finally take you home. So when my mom called me this afternoon, I already knew what it was.

Nannie, you will be so missed. Your wit. Your jokes. Just your voice. Everything. Nothing will be the same. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, all of it will have a little piece missing. But I'm writing this in confidence that death has no victory or sting. Because of our wonderful Jesus, death has been swallowed up in victory! Praise the Lord! And praise the Lord that He saw fit to finally take you home.

I love you. I miss you.

Your granddaughter,
Karissa

On Teaching and Inadequacy

I've decided I want to blog more because exciting things are happening in my life I want to remember. First year of teaching (it'll be funny eventually, right?), first time living on my own, making a life for myself. It's all great. 

 This post may start off as a bit of a downer. Stick with me, though! It'll get there.

This week I am really battling thoughts of inadequacy and feel led to share those thoughts. If you ever think you are really good at something and want to longer think that, become a public school teacher who teaches that something. Works like a charm.

There are only 15 school days left in this year. 15. And the closer it gets, the more inadequate I feel. Questions constantly race through my mind: Did I teach them enough? Did I make a difference at all? Why didn't I take them there? How could I have forgotten to do that? How will I find enough chaperones? What if it doesn't get approved? This is the soundtrack of my day. The underlying thought to all these questions is like the bass line keeping the beat going: "I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough." Over and over and over again until I'm as weary of that bass line as I am the often repeated, poorly played Justin Bieber songs continuously heard in my classroom.

The funny thing about a song getting stuck in your head is that you start singing it without realizing. When I'm warming up my choirs (I'm not good enough), when I'm teaching 12-bar blues (I'm not good enough), when I'm cooking dinner (I'm not good enough), and when I'm going to bed (I'm not good enough). Over and over and over again.

I'm sick of hearing it. I want someone to smash the stereo in my head so it won't play on repeat anymore. And that's when I turn to my Lord. In Him I find this crazy paradox that makes the cd skip just long enough to make me realize I can change the disc.

You see, my Jesus died for me because I wasn't good enough. But my Jesus makes me good enough. With that one statement, I'm able to put a new song on repeat.

When that parent calls to chew me out (You make me good enough), when I'm told how awful my decisions are (You make me good enough), when I go on an after-dinner walk (You make me good enough), and when I drift off to sleep (You make me good enough).

He makes me more than good enough. He makes me His.

So please proceed with the Bieber, excited student, I have my own new song to listen to.

Things Change

I once made a very strict personal rule that I would not include boys on my blog. In the past few weeks, however, I have discovered that if I continue to hold to that rule, I will no longer blog as there is one specific boy who is included in most aspects of my life, 

mainly because I am dating him. 

So I hereby lift my own rule. 

Please meet Adam:

 

I could probably commit an entire post to how wonderful this man is, but I can only lift my rule so far and still have a clear conscience. 

So, for now, suffice it to say he's really great. 

And now on to the real reason for blogging today:
 Easter. 


I love dy(e)ing Easter eggs. (Let's clear up the whole dy(e)ing thing. I've read it both ways. I'm gonna go ahead and choose to say dying since it includes one less letter. Moving on now.)

Adam and I dyed eggs with some of his
family last night and it was wonderful.

I think everyone was slightly shocked by how enthusiastic I was over coloring eggs. It only happens once a year, people! You have to be excited!!

This year, more than any I can remember, I have been so overwhelmed by the Easter season. As I sit blogging this Saturday night I am thinking on how devastated Jesus' followers must have been that first Saturday before Easter. He was dead. Everything He had proclaimed for 3 years went into that tomb with Him. He was a liar. How could the Son of God be killed by mere humans?!?

But Sunday was coming.
And I've never been more thankful for a Sunday.

This is going to sound beyond cliche. Just know I'm aware of that before I say it.

I love my life. I love everything about my life right now. That's why I'm not blogging. For the first time in a very long time, I am way too busy living my life to spend time on the internet posting about it. During student teaching I wasn't posting because I was emotionally and physically exhausted from too many things to list. Now I'm not posting because the thought of pausing for a few minutes to do an update on the past almost 3 months makes me cringe because it would mean pausing from any number of wonderful things I could be doing.

But today I want to just say this:

God knows what He's doing.

To be honest, three months ago I had my doubts about this. I couldn't imagine why in the world God would want to bring me here of all places. I couldn't imagine leaving my best friend. I couldn't imagine starting over again.

But God knows what He's doing.

Far more than I ever do. And I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful for Him.

Since I'm sure it will be awhile until I actually get around to a real update, here's some pictures spanning from New Year's Eve to this past weekend. Enjoy:

My Word: 2012

For 2011, I jumped on some bandwagon somewhere and decided to claim the year with a single word. And when I say I claimed it, what I really mean is that God claimed it, because, let's face it, I fought the word trust each and every day of this past year. But fortunately I serve a God who is much more persistent than I am on my worst day. I can't begin to describe to you how much I grew in trust in the past year.


The Lord continually placed me in situations where the only choice I had was to trust him. He took away all my other options.

In illustration of how much the Lord prepared me to trust him this year, let's look at my last act of 2011. Through a series of strange events (and by events I really just mean one singular event), I have never lived in a town apart from my immediate family. I have also never lived by myself. I have never been a classroom teacher. I have never moved somewhere by myself.

As of 6 days ago, I have now done all of those things. The Lord moved me to Broken Arrow where I am now a choir director for a middle school. I fully believe He carefully orchestrated my year so that my last act of the year would be one of full trust in Him even though I really have no idea what He is doing.

So now let's talk 2012.

I started thinking about my 2012 word around September. The word patience kept coming to mind, but I really really didn't want that to be my word. If I thought trust was a hard word for a year, what in the world would patience be like?

But then in my last wedding of the year, one of my dear friends (the bride) chose a word for each of her bridesmaids. She gave us each a card with our word written on it and a description of why she chose that word for us. I think we can all guess what my word was.

Yep. Patience.

I already knew that was the word the Lord wanted for me in this year, but Amanda's sweet card confirmed it even more. The Spirit's pretty great about reassurance, huh?

So that's my 2012 word. Patience. I will be patient while I wait for the Lord to provide healing and understanding in my life. I will be patient while I learn a new town and a new everything. I will be patient with my students. I will be patient in my relationships.

And when I say "I will be" what I really mean is "the Lord will teach me to be." Because, let's face it, patience is definitely not my strongest suit.

Every New Beginning Comes from Some Other Beginning's End

Well. Guess I stopped blogging. Guess a lot of things happened in my life.

How about a bullet-point recap?

• Finished student teaching at the elementary school
• Went to some OU football games
• Worked like crazy on my Teacher Work Sample
• Started and finished student teaching at the high school
• Was in my 5th (and last) wedding of the year
• Had Friendsgiving at my house, hosted by my beautiful best friend
• Applied for a job as a middle school choir director in Broken Arrow on November 8th
• Interviewed in Broken Arrow on the 22nd
• Got the job on the 30th
• Quit my job at the restaurant 
• Graduated from college
• Found an apartment in BA 
• Will move there on Sunday

Whew. What a crazy 3 months.

Now how about a picture recap?

It has been a whirlwind of a last semester. I am beyond thankful for everything that is happening in my life, even if it is happening a little fast. This will probably be the most bittersweet New Year's Eve I've had so far as I celebrate with some of my best friends I will miss so much. But I trust God knows exactly what He's doing. More to come on that, I'm sure.

This Past Month

Yesterday marked exactly one month since my recital. 

And what a month it has been.

It's been a month of dealing with hard things. A month of watching friends cry and being held by good friends while I cry. It's been a month of learning lessons I didn't want to learn and a month of getting way less sleep than my body demands.

But it's also been a month of trusting in God when it didn't seem possible. A month of love shown by really great friends. It's been a month of amazing growth through hard lessons and a month of knowing that I need more than 

physical strength to get me through a day.

So here are a few pictures from a month I'm sure I will never forget: